Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Deep...
Deep and meaningful??
Not sure, but it is a bit deep……. Here goes……..
I’m sick and tired of being fat and tired.
Sure – we all know that already huh?
What I want to know is how the hell am I supposed to NOT obsess about my weight?
How the hell am I supposed to keep motivated for more than a day at a time?
How the hell am I ever going to get to my goal weight with this mindset?
I just wish that I had the answers!!!!!!!!
I was motivated last week.
I had a great week, but then Friday night I ate fish and chips.
Then on the weekend I ate more crap.
Then Monday rolls around and I am supposed to get out of bed early and go walking
I didn’t
Tuesday, I didn’t either!
I can use all the excuses under the sun – but they are just that – EXCUSES!
I NEED to get out of bed and go walking in the morning! My body NEEDS exercise!
I am so damn sick of going up and down every few days – I HATE IT!
It rules my life!
If the numbers are low in the morning, then I am happy for the day.
If the numbers are higher, then I am a grumpy cow!
I hate the fact that my moods are a direct result of those stupid numbers!
I sometimes wish that I didn’t have scales at all!!!
I really really really want to be thin.
I really really really want to be fit and healthy and feel good.
I really really really want to be able to look like everyone else.
So why do I sabotage myself all the time?
Do I sub consciously think that I am not worthy of being all those things?
Am I scared of being all those things?
Do I think that being all those things will change me too much??
I don’t know.
I don’t think so, but how do I REALLY find out?
I am totally in control of my own destiny here, yet I manage to stuff it up time and time and time again!
I have such an erratic personality – I know this!
I guess I need to work on things that will even me out more – instead of having such highs and such lows…… I need to be somewhere in the middle!
Reminds me of when I had Post Natal Depression…….. I felt like I wasn’t in control of my emotions or my temper or even my life at some points!
I don’t want to have to rely on medication to make me feel “normal” again. That sucked.
I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel good about my life and about how I am going.
Is that really too much to ask??
Deep and meaningful??
Not sure……… but it is emotionally draining to have to think about it that’s for sure!
On the upside, I DID get out and go walking this morning, and I even made myself run for a bit. It felt great – I felt great!
It made me believe that I was “allowed” to feel good about myself for the day (or half the day in this case).
I’m constantly aware of how much time I spend (or don’t spend) with my family lately.
With work, Tupperware, Avon, DragonBoating, exercising and general day to day things, I really don’t have a lot of time left for much of anything.
Last week I was home ONE evening out of the week.
Chris must feel a like a solo father at times….
I know that he supports me and wants to see me happy, but it is the little things that I pick up on…
Anyway, I am not completely sure what the heck I am trying to say here, except that deep down I guess I KNOW that I AM capable of doing this, and I also know that I am actually worthy of feeling good, so I have to hold on to that feeling and grab life by the balls so to speak!
I see myself turning into one of those people that is full of empty promises.
You know the ones…….
“This time it will be better”
“This time I will succeed”
“This time I will stick to the plan”
Well, I am sick of being one of those hollow talkers…….. I WANT to do it.
I NEED to do it.
I just have to figure out HOW to do it!
Wanna help me?
Not sure, but it is a bit deep……. Here goes……..
I’m sick and tired of being fat and tired.
Sure – we all know that already huh?
What I want to know is how the hell am I supposed to NOT obsess about my weight?
How the hell am I supposed to keep motivated for more than a day at a time?
How the hell am I ever going to get to my goal weight with this mindset?
I just wish that I had the answers!!!!!!!!
I was motivated last week.
I had a great week, but then Friday night I ate fish and chips.
Then on the weekend I ate more crap.
Then Monday rolls around and I am supposed to get out of bed early and go walking
I didn’t
Tuesday, I didn’t either!
I can use all the excuses under the sun – but they are just that – EXCUSES!
I NEED to get out of bed and go walking in the morning! My body NEEDS exercise!
I am so damn sick of going up and down every few days – I HATE IT!
It rules my life!
If the numbers are low in the morning, then I am happy for the day.
If the numbers are higher, then I am a grumpy cow!
I hate the fact that my moods are a direct result of those stupid numbers!
I sometimes wish that I didn’t have scales at all!!!
I really really really want to be thin.
I really really really want to be fit and healthy and feel good.
I really really really want to be able to look like everyone else.
So why do I sabotage myself all the time?
Do I sub consciously think that I am not worthy of being all those things?
Am I scared of being all those things?
Do I think that being all those things will change me too much??
I don’t know.
I don’t think so, but how do I REALLY find out?
I am totally in control of my own destiny here, yet I manage to stuff it up time and time and time again!
I have such an erratic personality – I know this!
I guess I need to work on things that will even me out more – instead of having such highs and such lows…… I need to be somewhere in the middle!
Reminds me of when I had Post Natal Depression…….. I felt like I wasn’t in control of my emotions or my temper or even my life at some points!
I don’t want to have to rely on medication to make me feel “normal” again. That sucked.
I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel good about my life and about how I am going.
Is that really too much to ask??
Deep and meaningful??
Not sure……… but it is emotionally draining to have to think about it that’s for sure!
On the upside, I DID get out and go walking this morning, and I even made myself run for a bit. It felt great – I felt great!
It made me believe that I was “allowed” to feel good about myself for the day (or half the day in this case).
I’m constantly aware of how much time I spend (or don’t spend) with my family lately.
With work, Tupperware, Avon, DragonBoating, exercising and general day to day things, I really don’t have a lot of time left for much of anything.
Last week I was home ONE evening out of the week.
Chris must feel a like a solo father at times….
I know that he supports me and wants to see me happy, but it is the little things that I pick up on…
Anyway, I am not completely sure what the heck I am trying to say here, except that deep down I guess I KNOW that I AM capable of doing this, and I also know that I am actually worthy of feeling good, so I have to hold on to that feeling and grab life by the balls so to speak!
I see myself turning into one of those people that is full of empty promises.
You know the ones…….
“This time it will be better”
“This time I will succeed”
“This time I will stick to the plan”
Well, I am sick of being one of those hollow talkers…….. I WANT to do it.
I NEED to do it.
I just have to figure out HOW to do it!
Wanna help me?
Comments:
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Hi Jo :) I have been reading your online journal since 2003 and you have been an inspiration to me because you are a real person with real challenges and you because you not a "diet angel" all the time. Good on the people who are but most of us aren't :) You have had a huge couple of years with some major life changing events and you have kept going through all of it. One major accomplishment is that you have updated your journal every day for years! You can do it :)
# posted by 
: 7:31 pm, March 01, 2006
: 7:31 pm, March 01, 2006
Can't give you any advice so to speak but always remember to believe in yourself and know that you can do it and that you will do it! And also remember that we will be right here kicking your arse if you don't! We know where you live.... LOL
But perhaps you need to consider giving up Tupperware (as Avon sells itself and doesn't take as much work)... Dragonboating is only a "seasonal" thing so that will be finished soon... and as for the exercise well that can always be a family affair at the weekends... but thats just my point of view.
But basically just wanted to say that remember we all go through stages like this,no one is perfect and remember how far you have come! You don't want to go back to square one and besides we WON'T let you!
Always a phone call, email or txt away anytime at all!
*big hugs*
But perhaps you need to consider giving up Tupperware (as Avon sells itself and doesn't take as much work)... Dragonboating is only a "seasonal" thing so that will be finished soon... and as for the exercise well that can always be a family affair at the weekends... but thats just my point of view.
But basically just wanted to say that remember we all go through stages like this,no one is perfect and remember how far you have come! You don't want to go back to square one and besides we WON'T let you!
Always a phone call, email or txt away anytime at all!
*big hugs*
When you figure out the answers can you please let us know!! Your thoughts sound so much like mine at the moment - I too can only ever seem to manage a few good days at a time (or a week if I'm lucky) before blowing it.. I SIMPLY DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE FAT! I feel like a thin person stuck inside a fat body - when is somebody gonna open the zipper and let me out??!!
# posted by : 6:08 am, March 02, 2006
: 6:08 am, March 02, 2006
Not sure if this will help or not - but this morning the battery run out on my cales. I had a moments panic then thought I was better off without them as they rule my life!! (Was going to put that in my journal later today!) Try to ignore them - have one weekly official weigh in.
Also try to get your life back a little - maybe really look at what you are geting out of the tupperware etc and make a decision. I think it is important to do something you enjoy so keep the dragon boat racing:)
You have really go so far and you do have the strength to go on - it's just getting the motivation going again and i'm sure it will hit home once more. Maybe go and buy something for you a couple of sizes too small - hang it where you can see it. Have a big supermarket session stocking up on all the healthy goodies.
One of your posts ages ago was about baby steps - just one day at a time - even just one meal, snack at a time.
I rambled on a bit but best of luck!
Remember the baby steps!!
Also try to get your life back a little - maybe really look at what you are geting out of the tupperware etc and make a decision. I think it is important to do something you enjoy so keep the dragon boat racing:)
You have really go so far and you do have the strength to go on - it's just getting the motivation going again and i'm sure it will hit home once more. Maybe go and buy something for you a couple of sizes too small - hang it where you can see it. Have a big supermarket session stocking up on all the healthy goodies.
One of your posts ages ago was about baby steps - just one day at a time - even just one meal, snack at a time.
I rambled on a bit but best of luck!
Remember the baby steps!!
To all those of you out there reading this I am sure Jos words are scarily simialr to many of yours. This wirld is full of people wishing!! Maybe not to be slim but for a million reasons. I myself am one of them. To walk down the street and be so self concious you just want to cry sometimes is heart breaking. My weight controls so much of my life and I hate it. This is not a dress rehearsal people!! We are here for one life and one life only no matter how long or short it may be. Lets wake up each day and celebrate being who we are. Try standing in the mirror each morning and telling that mirror 3 things we like about oursleves. It is hard but believe me it is worth it. Why spend so much time berrating ourselves when we could be lifting our own spirits. If it were a friend the first thing we would do is say a kind word or encourage them. So people - lets start being our own best friends!! Jo you are an inspiration. Even morning wake up with the thoughts that you are worthy, you hold the power and you're willig to change.
GOOD LUCK GIRLFRIEND
GOOD LUCK GIRLFRIEND
# posted by : 9:14 am, March 02, 2006
: 9:14 am, March 02, 2006
Jo - why don't you go back to Weight Watchers? I know that they hold me on track and each week I get a healthy dose of motivation. I know they are expensive but what cost is your health?????
Good luck - you are not alone.
xx
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Good luck - you are not alone.
xx
# posted by : 7:16 pm, March 02, 2006
: 7:16 pm, March 02, 2006 << Home
