Wednesday, May 17, 2006
More...
Where was I going before with those questions???
OK........
Last night I went to the gym on my way home from work with a workmate.
Neither of us could be bothered doing much of a workout, so we did about 45 minutes, nothing too strenuous, then went home.
I worked up a sweat, nothing major, but it was a sweat at least.
I felt guilty.
I felt guilty because I "Should" have done more.
45 minutes of exercise at the gym would be a great feat for anyone else......
But I felt that I had let myself down.
This morning, I woke up with a pounding headache at 3am.
I took Nurofen and went back to bed.
I woke up at 5.15am when my alarm went off, and my head was still pounding.
I decided not to go to the gym.
Chris even said to stay in bed and give it a miss.
I felt guilty.
Even though I was feeling like CRAP, I still felt guilty for not going to the gym, because I "should" have.
I lay in bed with a pounding head feeling guilty for being there, until 6.30am when Rhian got up.
My head was so sore, that I took some more Nurofen and struggled through a shower, all the time wanting to throw up.
But, I knew that I had heaps to do at work today, and I also knew that if I didn't go, then it would mean that there was only ONE in my office, and it is quite simply damn near impossible to run the office with just one person.
So I went to work.
I have felt like crap all day long, and now I have to go home, have a quick dinner, then go out and hold a Tupperware party, pretending that I care, and that I am happy to be there.
I wont care, and I sure as hell wont be happy to be there - in fact, I could think of no better place to be right now, than my own bed!!!
So, how does this relate to my earlier questions??
Why am I so hard on myself??
I'm not sure of the answer to that - sorry!!
I KNOW that I am hard on myself.
I know that I blame all of my failures on my fat.
And I also know that I underestimate myself because of my fat.
For example - I "only" did 45 minutes at the gym last night because I am fat and lazy and will never be anything else.
For example - I didn't go to the gym this morning because I am fat an lazy and undisciplined and will never be anything else.
This is what goes through my head......... a yukky place to be at times!!!
Where did I "learn" to be so hard on myself??
I'm not sure I know the answer to that one either I'm afraid!!
Was it from my childhood?
I don't know.
Was it from my school days?
I don't know
Was it from my early working years?
I don't know
But what I DO know, is that it can be damn frustrating, constantly feeling that I am not good enough.
Constantly feeling that I "could" do better, and that I "should" do better.
Not good enough for who??
For ME of course!!
I have VERY high standards, and I expect others to meet those standards, so why shouldn't my standards for myself be even higher???
And why o why the hell can't I meet those extremely high standards??
Cos I am fat and lazy and undisciplined, and always will be.
How do I think it is helping me?
To be completely honest......... I don't think that it IS helping me at all!!!
Case and point - this morning!!
I was legitimately sick.
I don't believe that going to the gym this morning would have done my headache any good whatsoever, yet I felt guilty about letting myself down!
I WAS SICK FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!
BUT......... I have still berated myself for it all day long.
I have told myself that I am hopeless, and that I will never lose this weight........
And you know what????
I hate to say this............ but at times, I listen to that stupid little voice in my head, and I agree with it.
I agree that I will never accomplish anything.
I agree that I will never get to goal.
I agree that I will never be worthy of being slim.
I HATE THAT!!!!!
I HAVE to get these negative voices out of my head...............
But HOW do I do that???
Oh yeah - just as an aside........
I stopped taking my vitamins on Friday, and have a headache ever since......... I'm gonna start taking them again tomorrow!!
I also stopped taking my laxatives on Friday.
I have been on them twice a day for about 5 months now, on my Dr's advice of course.
But I don't want to have to rely on medication anymore, so have said NO MORE!
I wonder if that could be contributing to my headache as well???
I'm not about to start taking them again, and have found no information on the internet that would indicate that there should be any side effects from stopping them.
So, I am thinking that I will just ride it out, and if I am still feeling lousy in a few days, then I will go see my Dr again.
I'm due to see her anyway....... Gotta do that horrible smear thingee......... YUCKY!!
Oh yeah - got tickets to see the Hurricanes on Friday night - baby-sitter all organised as well.
At least I can do SOMETHING right today!!
Hahahaha....
And yeah - I CAN see the funny side sometimes.........
Comments:
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Jo Jo Jo!!!!! My beautiful daughter.......I do hear what you are saying BUT you DO achieve very high goals....No one is perfect, this is not a perfect world, BUT doing the best we can given any set of circumstances is the important thing and that is what you do. Blimey even if I was your age I could never keep up with you chickee. This morning my dear girl you were sick!!!! You know what migraines do to you, RELAX and go with the flow, it will be over much sooner. Stop trying to be super woman, she doesn't exist anywhere in this world!!!! You are on a journey, but like all journeys they are even better if you stop and enjoy the scenery at times along the way. You will still get to your destination. :)
Just a thought....constipation causes headaches. Get them bowels moving again by medication if you need to. I'm sorry you inherited that trait from a long line of constipated forebearers..LOL It's in your genes!!
I hope you are well enough to fly through this tupperware party tonight and have a good outcome from it.
Love Always and BIG BIG HUGs
Mummy
Just a thought....constipation causes headaches. Get them bowels moving again by medication if you need to. I'm sorry you inherited that trait from a long line of constipated forebearers..LOL It's in your genes!!
I hope you are well enough to fly through this tupperware party tonight and have a good outcome from it.
Love Always and BIG BIG HUGs
Mummy
# posted by 
: 5:22 pm, May 17, 2006
: 5:22 pm, May 17, 2006
*super duper big hugs* hun! I agree with your mum in a few things she has said...
You are NOT superwoman! Superwoman does not exsist despite what some may think!
I get exhausted sometimes just reading what you do with being a wife, mum, working fulltime, selling Tupperware and Avon! I would never be able to keep up with you if I was to do a "day in the life of Jo" :)
Relax go with the flow and thing will happen... you will get to the destination on your journey - we all take stops on our journeys but we get there in the end! Don't be too hard on yourself!
Hope the party goes well tonight and it is well worth your while going out in the cold whilst you are not well!
*hugs* again
You are NOT superwoman! Superwoman does not exsist despite what some may think!
I get exhausted sometimes just reading what you do with being a wife, mum, working fulltime, selling Tupperware and Avon! I would never be able to keep up with you if I was to do a "day in the life of Jo" :)
Relax go with the flow and thing will happen... you will get to the destination on your journey - we all take stops on our journeys but we get there in the end! Don't be too hard on yourself!
Hope the party goes well tonight and it is well worth your while going out in the cold whilst you are not well!
*hugs* again
I don't leave comments very often Jo but i've been following your journey for years and every now and then you write something that I feel compelled to respond to, this is one of those times! Is it possible you're making a comparison between your life now and your life when you lost 50kgs? It's very easy to be so tough on yourself when you're not achieving your goals as easily as you did back then. But you live a very different lifestyle now that you have your gorgeous little girl, one that is quite hectic and you have to be so well organised to juggle it all ... that in itself is a positive!
You've always been an inspiration to me in your weight loss journey, and now that I have a 10 week old boy you're even more of an inspiration to me as a mum.
I think the best thing you can do is kill off any negative self talk with a positive - and believe me you have many positives in your life to be proud of. Sometimes we all have those days where the negatives seem to stand out more, I hope that your headache is easing and tomorrow will be a brighter day for you.
You've always been an inspiration to me in your weight loss journey, and now that I have a 10 week old boy you're even more of an inspiration to me as a mum.
I think the best thing you can do is kill off any negative self talk with a positive - and believe me you have many positives in your life to be proud of. Sometimes we all have those days where the negatives seem to stand out more, I hope that your headache is easing and tomorrow will be a brighter day for you.
Jo have u noted if your headaches are same time as when u haven't 'been' in a while. I know if i am getting bunged up I get fuggy and headaches.
Hun u r super!
Hun u r super!
I reckon Tania has hit the nail on the head........your an excellent friend, mother, wife, sister, daughter and worker and you inspire people everyday of your life with your lovely nature and smile. You will get back into it because you are one of the strongest people I know (even if you don't believe it at the moment). *huggles*
Jo - so much of what your mum said is so right. Don't feel you've let yourself down - instead stand back and take a look at what you are doing!! Especially where you are now compared to a few years ago.
You are one person that honestly inspired me in my journey. One reason being that you are totally honest. It's a journey and a long one -with good and bad along the way. You are a working mum, a wife and to fit all you do into your life is amazing. Try not to be hard on yourself. Don't feel guilty - you were sick. Listen to your body and take it easy. When you are on top of it, you will be away again. Keep smiling:)
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You are one person that honestly inspired me in my journey. One reason being that you are totally honest. It's a journey and a long one -with good and bad along the way. You are a working mum, a wife and to fit all you do into your life is amazing. Try not to be hard on yourself. Don't feel guilty - you were sick. Listen to your body and take it easy. When you are on top of it, you will be away again. Keep smiling:)
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