Monday, August 20, 2007
Hopeless...
Please feel free to skip this self indulgent oh "woe is me" post..... I feel crappy today........... and this is where I can vent about it:
Actuall, I feel totally like a totally inadequate, hopeless, useless, waste of space today to be perfectly honest!
Jumped on the scales this morning...... 115.3kg!!!
The numbers are going UP!!!
I know exactly why - I eat too much, I don't exercise, and I drink too much as well!
It's a feeling sorry for myself day today, and I feel like a big fat pig who has no self control!
It's a horrible feeling.... hating yourself this much!
I feel like a total fraud half the time.... like on Friday night....
We were in Foxton, and called in to the local pub.
Ran into some people that I havent seen for years, and they were all like "Ohmigod - you look great!"
One of them even said "Hell Jo, you're all slim and stuff"
OK - so he was pissed, but the words made me smile on the outside, yet cringe on the inside!
I'm anything BUT slim, and I know that compared to the last time any of them saw me, I AM slimmER than what I used to be, but in no way, shape or form could I EVER be classed as slim!!!
A friend of mum and dad's even said that I look great, and of course, I felt like a major fraud, becasue I feel like I am losing the battle at the moment!!
And that is just because I can't get my damn head straight and take control of the situation!
I'll be fine for a few days, then a curve ball comes from no where and throws me off balance, then all it will take is a minor indescretion, and I'm like "Ah well, I already stuffed up, guess it doesn't matter if I have this lollie/chocolate/slice of toast etc"
Then it is like a never ending cycle..... eating eating eating..... on and on it goes!
It started last Tuesday I think.....
I indulged too much in the lollies that were sitting on my bosses desk.
Then Tuesday night for dinner I cooked lasange, but couldn't be bothered doing it the healthy way, so just used beef mince, white sauce from a can, and too much cheese.
It wasn't very nice, so didnt eat that much, but because I didnt eat that much I was hungry later... that's when the ice cream came into it.
Wednesday night, J had a meeting on, so I didnt cook at all, then when he brought fish and chips home later on, "had" to help him eat them!
Thursday was my birthday, went out for lunch with the gorgeous Rach, and had chicken salad.
Not bad huh? Pity the gooey caramel slice with cream that followed it wasn't non-fat then huh?
Then of course we went out for dinner for my birthday.
I NEVER usually get an entree, but that night we decided to go halves in a platter - full of FRIED stuff!!
Wedges, deep friend camembert, onion rings, chicken tenders....... YUM!!!!
Then I got the pork for a main, and it is a rolled loin of pork, with crackling, and it was delicious!
OK - so we were too full to get desert, but the BEER that I had with my meal certainly didnt do me any favours that's for sure!
Friday breakfast was some licorice allsorts, lunch was nothing, then on the way up to Foxton we were both peckish, so called in to Burger King and I got a Double Cheeseburger.
Had too much to drink on Friday night, beer, bourbon, creamy shooters, then left over chicnes at mum's place at 11pm with Cheese on toast... although to be honest, I don't think I actually had any of the cheese on toast!
Saturday morning I had peanut butter and butter on toast, lunch was a panini, dinner was a roast and more to drink... wine and beer, then chippies and cashew nuts.
Sunday was more hot peanut butter toast, then lunch was burgers and chips!!!
Got stuck in traffice for 3 hours on our trip home on Sunday so byt he time we got home there was NO WAY I was cooking, so it was McDonalds for dinner!!!!
NOT GOOD AT ALL JO!!!!
No wonder I feel like a big fat blob today!!
YUCK!
Why the hell do I do this to myself???
I have a really fucked up way of thinking at the moment.....
Like on Friday, I figured that because I hadn't had lunch, the burger would be fine.
Friday night - because I hadn't eaten dinner - Chinese at 11pm would be fine!
It's just crazy!
Even today - I haven't had breakfast, cos I felt so damn shitty, and now I sit here hungry, wondering what I can eat.
I look around me and all there is, is lollies!! And part of me is saying that because I haven't had breakfast, then some lollies will be fine! They will do no harm!
NOT GOOD!
My water bottle is sitting here untouched, and even as I type this, I think - "Nah - I can't be bothered drinking water.... if I drink water I'll have to pee"
STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!
I guess the one tiny thing I did right this morning, was make my coffee with TRIM milk instead of full milk, and I didn;t add sugar, instead I came back to my desk and added a sweetener instead.
It doesn't taste nearly as nice, that's for damn sure!!!
In fact - I was talking to mum on the weekend about my addiction to coffee, and she suggested Green Tea instead.
I've never in my life been a tea drinker, to me it tastes like hot flavoured water - which of course it is.
But she was telling me of the additional benefits of Green Tea aside from teh fact that no sugar or milk is needed!
Like the antioxidents and metabolism benefits etc...
So, at lunch time today, I'm gonna go and damn well buy me some Green Fricken Tea and hop on the bloody wagon that everyone else seems to be on!
Actually, everyone else is MILES ahead of me in that regard, but hopefully I'll catch up one day…
Actuall, I feel totally like a totally inadequate, hopeless, useless, waste of space today to be perfectly honest!
Jumped on the scales this morning...... 115.3kg!!!
The numbers are going UP!!!
I know exactly why - I eat too much, I don't exercise, and I drink too much as well!
It's a feeling sorry for myself day today, and I feel like a big fat pig who has no self control!
It's a horrible feeling.... hating yourself this much!
I feel like a total fraud half the time.... like on Friday night....
We were in Foxton, and called in to the local pub.
Ran into some people that I havent seen for years, and they were all like "Ohmigod - you look great!"
One of them even said "Hell Jo, you're all slim and stuff"
OK - so he was pissed, but the words made me smile on the outside, yet cringe on the inside!
I'm anything BUT slim, and I know that compared to the last time any of them saw me, I AM slimmER than what I used to be, but in no way, shape or form could I EVER be classed as slim!!!
A friend of mum and dad's even said that I look great, and of course, I felt like a major fraud, becasue I feel like I am losing the battle at the moment!!
And that is just because I can't get my damn head straight and take control of the situation!
I'll be fine for a few days, then a curve ball comes from no where and throws me off balance, then all it will take is a minor indescretion, and I'm like "Ah well, I already stuffed up, guess it doesn't matter if I have this lollie/chocolate/slice of toast etc"
Then it is like a never ending cycle..... eating eating eating..... on and on it goes!
It started last Tuesday I think.....
I indulged too much in the lollies that were sitting on my bosses desk.
Then Tuesday night for dinner I cooked lasange, but couldn't be bothered doing it the healthy way, so just used beef mince, white sauce from a can, and too much cheese.
It wasn't very nice, so didnt eat that much, but because I didnt eat that much I was hungry later... that's when the ice cream came into it.
Wednesday night, J had a meeting on, so I didnt cook at all, then when he brought fish and chips home later on, "had" to help him eat them!
Thursday was my birthday, went out for lunch with the gorgeous Rach, and had chicken salad.
Not bad huh? Pity the gooey caramel slice with cream that followed it wasn't non-fat then huh?
Then of course we went out for dinner for my birthday.
I NEVER usually get an entree, but that night we decided to go halves in a platter - full of FRIED stuff!!
Wedges, deep friend camembert, onion rings, chicken tenders....... YUM!!!!
Then I got the pork for a main, and it is a rolled loin of pork, with crackling, and it was delicious!
OK - so we were too full to get desert, but the BEER that I had with my meal certainly didnt do me any favours that's for sure!
Friday breakfast was some licorice allsorts, lunch was nothing, then on the way up to Foxton we were both peckish, so called in to Burger King and I got a Double Cheeseburger.
Had too much to drink on Friday night, beer, bourbon, creamy shooters, then left over chicnes at mum's place at 11pm with Cheese on toast... although to be honest, I don't think I actually had any of the cheese on toast!
Saturday morning I had peanut butter and butter on toast, lunch was a panini, dinner was a roast and more to drink... wine and beer, then chippies and cashew nuts.
Sunday was more hot peanut butter toast, then lunch was burgers and chips!!!
Got stuck in traffice for 3 hours on our trip home on Sunday so byt he time we got home there was NO WAY I was cooking, so it was McDonalds for dinner!!!!
NOT GOOD AT ALL JO!!!!
No wonder I feel like a big fat blob today!!
YUCK!
Why the hell do I do this to myself???
I have a really fucked up way of thinking at the moment.....
Like on Friday, I figured that because I hadn't had lunch, the burger would be fine.
Friday night - because I hadn't eaten dinner - Chinese at 11pm would be fine!
It's just crazy!
Even today - I haven't had breakfast, cos I felt so damn shitty, and now I sit here hungry, wondering what I can eat.
I look around me and all there is, is lollies!! And part of me is saying that because I haven't had breakfast, then some lollies will be fine! They will do no harm!
NOT GOOD!
My water bottle is sitting here untouched, and even as I type this, I think - "Nah - I can't be bothered drinking water.... if I drink water I'll have to pee"
STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!
I guess the one tiny thing I did right this morning, was make my coffee with TRIM milk instead of full milk, and I didn;t add sugar, instead I came back to my desk and added a sweetener instead.
It doesn't taste nearly as nice, that's for damn sure!!!
In fact - I was talking to mum on the weekend about my addiction to coffee, and she suggested Green Tea instead.
I've never in my life been a tea drinker, to me it tastes like hot flavoured water - which of course it is.
But she was telling me of the additional benefits of Green Tea aside from teh fact that no sugar or milk is needed!
Like the antioxidents and metabolism benefits etc...
So, at lunch time today, I'm gonna go and damn well buy me some Green Fricken Tea and hop on the bloody wagon that everyone else seems to be on!
Actually, everyone else is MILES ahead of me in that regard, but hopefully I'll catch up one day…
