Just4Jo - A fat chick trying not to be...

I feel like I could conquer the world right at this precise moment!!

Work today was great - really busy (being the last day of the financial year and all) and I managed to stay on track 100% for the whole day!!

Even when I was hit with a problem in the computer system at 4.30pm!!

I held it all together, DIDN'T binge, and made it through the final half hour of work!

YAY ME!!!

Usually a stressful situtaion like that would send me running to the snack machine for a choccie fix, but today I was able to rise above that and BELIEVE the little voice in my head when it told me that I didn't need it!

Again...... YAY ME!

After work, instead of me going off to the pub by myself to meet workmates, I picked up Chris from work and we both went there toghether!!

Amazing huh??

AND.......... I only had TWO beers!!!

And again.................. YAY ME!!!!!!!!

On the way home we discussed dinner.

It would have been SO EASY to detour to the closest Hell Pizza place and order up large.......

BUT NO!!!!!

We came home and I cooked dinner!!

Well, i had scrambled eggs on toast and Chris had spaghetti and ham with his, but it WASN'T takeaways!!!

YAY US!!!!

So...........

here I sit.

8.20pm on a Friday night.

I'm not boozed up

I'm not regretting eating crap on "NO POINTS FRIDAY"

And I am really really really looking forward to going and getting signed up at the gym tomorrow!

I just wish that I could actually START working out there tomorrow...... But I guess I will just have to be patient huh??

Well, since I am feeling so damn great, I'm gonna go and have a bath......... get into my jimjams and watch a movie in bed that I taped a few night ago........ an chick flick called "Spanglish".

Chris is watching the rugby, and unless the mighty HURRICANES are playing - it doesn't really do a lot for me!

Better go turn the taps on huh?

Oh yeah............. any of you bloggers out there know how to add links in here?

Suppose I could always read the instructions, but that would be too easy!!

Well, tomorrow at 10am is when I sign my life (or rather HEALTH) over to the Lifestyle Gym!

Then I have to have an introduction session and one on one with a personal trainer........

Then it is ALL GO!!

Woohoo!!!

I'm gonna be a gym bunny!!!

Ya know, I think back to how much I LOVED going to the gym before I got pregnant, and I get all excited at the prospect of feeling that way again!!

WoooooHooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait!!!

       
I just realised that I don't have a points guide anymore!

Does anyone know if you can buy them without going to the meetings??

I really want to start counting points again, and although I know a LOT of the values off by heart, there are still some that I am unsure of......

Any of you meeting goers out there know??

I tried something different for lunch today.

You see, for weeks and weeks I have been having the same old thing, which happens to be cereal and yoghurt!

Partly because I love the taste of it, and partly because I have been too lazy to get anything else prepared!

But today, after talking to a work mate, and telling her that by 3pm I am usually STARVING, she suggested that maybe I am not eating enough at lunch time.

So, I trotted of to the supermarket in search of something filling, yet yummy, and low fat!!!

What did I come back with??

A packet of corn thins, a tin of crushed pineapple in natural juice and low fat cottage cheese.

I mixed the pineapple and cottage cheese together and piled it up onto 4 of the corn thins.

And I LOVED every mouthful of it!

BUT........ it's 3.20pm and I am hungry!!

I thought that by having a bit of protein for lunch, that it would maybe help to stop the 3pm rumblings in my tummy, but it is not to be.

Oh yeah - I only had lunch at 2pm!!!!  

Just over an hour ago!

What is up with that!?!?!

This is my danger time.

This is the time that I go prowling for chocolate or lollies or anything else that is an instant fix.

NOT TODAY THOUGH!!  

No way!

I haven't stayed on track for 3 whole days to give in to the 3pm hunger pangs........

I came prepared today.

I have 2 apples and an orange in my bag, and if that fails, I have a natural fruit and cereal bar as well!

Plus of course, LOADS of water.....

Speaking of water....... I might suggest swimming tonight!

I was meant to go walking last night, but my walking buddy pulled out, and that was the perfect excuse not to go myself!

Slack huh??

Even on the way home, I said to Chris that I NEEDED to go walking......

But, when I got home and started on the housework and dinner, I lost all motivation and put on some warm clothes and stayed indoors!!!!!!!

If I can go home and get chaged immediately, then I am fine...... I reckon that I would have gone if I could have done that.

But I didn't.

SLACK!!!

I have done ZERO exercise this week.

NOTHING

NADA

ZILCH

Not one single skerrick of anything that even vaugely resembles exercise to be precise!!!

I NEED to do something!

I rang the gym today.  

They open at 5.30am - that suits me!

I could go tot he gym instead of going out walking in the morning!  

That way - the rain would never be an excuse right??

I'm 85% sure that I will join.......... just gotta convince the other 15% that it is a great investment in my future!!!

Our little girl is growing up too fast!

Tonight Chris took the side of her cot off, so now it looks almost like a big girls bed!

She went to bed fine about 10 minutes ago, so let's see how long she stays there!

Had diet coke chicken for dinner with basmati rice and lettuce salad........ it was great!

But now it is taking ALL of my determination NOT to eat a biscuit or lollie!

It's SOOOOOOO not worth it.......... just have to get that into my head and BELIEVE it!!!

I might just go to bed early, that way I dont have to think about it anymore.....

Talked to Chris a bit more about me joining the gym, but still not too sure if it will work in with family life etc..... more talking to be done about that I guess!

Night night....

I wonder how I would go if I just weighed once a month?

It would mean putting the scales away and not being ruled by them!

I like the thought of that!

If I was going to a dietician, then I would only get weighed once a month.

If I was going to a Dr I would only get weighed once a month as well.

Who says that it has to be every week?

Why not weigh on the 1st of the month, every month.

It might be an idea?

I got a notebook today - and so far have managed to write everything that I have eaten in it.

This is a good start for me.

Baby steps...

Fat people say  "Just a small piece thanks"

Slim people say  "No thanks, not for me"

Feeling really blah this evening!

I have a funny tummy and feeling generally unwell, so I hope that it is nothing serious!

I'm gonna go to bed early....

Leave my darling husband to watch Bad Girls in peace.

My ears have gone all funny too.

Like they go weird in an airplane when it is landing or taking off - that is what they are like now - just plain weird.

Chris cooked dinner tongiht - pork chop, baked potato and salad - YUMMY!!!

It is so great having a night off cooking - I LOVE IT!!

Going walking with Helena tomorrow night - YAY!

Been thinking a lot about joining the local gym lately.

Thinking about it, not actually DOING anything about it......

Have to work out the logistics of it all I guess...... find out what time they are open, what times are their busiest, how it will fit in with Chris and Rhian.....

Gone are the days where I could just suit myself and not think about anyone else!

I miss those days sometimes!

Well, nothing else to say....... except:

Goodnight!

It's pouring down outside, has been all day.

Not fair!

And to make matters worse, my walking buddy is sick!

So that means that I wont be doing the steps today.

Might just have to go home and snuggle up in the warmth and take it easy!  

Hehehe.....

I've been "taking it easy" far too much lately!!

I am great with my exercise, although I didn't go out this morning, cos I was going out tonight..........

Anyway, I am pretty damn good with my exercise these days.

But my eating is out of control!

It is almost like I can't get the two things in sync.

I hate that!

I felt so damn guilty after indulging ion far too much pizza last night, that when my friend text me and asked me if I wanted to go walking, I suggested doing the Steps!!

ARGH!!!

So, that is what we did!

268 of them........ and this time I only stopped ONCE!

On my way home I measured the distance in the car, and it is 5.5km, so that is fantastic!!!

Felt great, and just really realyl pleased with myself!

Rhian had a sleepover last night - the lady that used to look after her rang the other day and said that they missed her too much!

So, they came around to collect her yesterday afternoon, and brough her back this morning - too funny!

My girl had a real sleepover - for no reason!

Anyway, we couldn't be bothered going out, so we got pizza (hence the steps today) and DVD's and had a night in - it was great!

OK, I'm probably not making any sense - that's cos I am buggered........ so I'm gonna go to bed!

Work tomorrow! YAY! Hehehe.....

sitting here waiting 4 pizza so i thought i would see if i could update via email on my phone! pizza! did i say pizza? Hehe

This mail was sent using Xtra Email on your 027.

I SURVIVED!!! I did the steps – all 268 of the buggers, and I SURVIVED!!!

AND…… I only stopped 3 times on the way up!

Compared to about 10 times the first time I did them (weeks and weeks ago!!)

AND…….. it was POURING with rain!

In fact, I am sure that we even got hailed on at one stage!

Of course we both looked like drowned rats by the time we got back up the hill, but we both felt fantastic, so it was well worth it!

I didn’t go walking this morning, I thought it might have been a bit too much for my poor fat body to handle, so I will save my energy until tonight, when I am planning on going out walking with Helena. Should be good!

Then tomorrow we are hoping to take Rhian swimming so I will hopefully be able to get some lengths in…… YAY!!!!

Friday night I am taking part in an “Amazing Race”!

It is a bit of fun that is being organised by the company that I work for.

We have to have a team of 4 people, but one of our team has pulled out, so we hope that we can still compete with just the 3 of us! It should be a bit of a laugh, cos I am certainly not very fit at all, and one of the team needs a knee replacement, so she can only drive, and not run at all! Hehehehe…… Ah well, it will be a laugh if nothing else!!!

Afterwards, there is a BBQ and drinks, so that will be good too……..

Righto – not much else to report, just had to say that I am still alive after the stairs!

Oh yeah – we are gonna make it a weekly thing – cool huh??

I LOVE this photo!

It was taken at Carla's place on the morning of her wedding, by the professional photographer!

Cool huh???

"I'm NEVER Drinking again"

Hahaha - yeah right!!

That didn't last long at all!

In fact I think it lasted about 10 hours!

We went out for dinner in Masterton and had a few drinks....... it was fun!

We very nearly joined in on a family reunion that was being held at the hotel complex we were staying at, but decide against it at the last minute! hehehehe.......... too funny!

The weekend was great - I missed my girl something terrible, but it was just fantastic to be able to do whatever we wanted and not have to worry about being anywhere or meeting anyone at certain times!

My head is still planted very firmly in the sand at this stage of the week.........

The pants that I have on today are tighter than what they were last week, and I am damn sure that my middle tummy roll wasnt nearly this big 7 days ago either!

BAH HUMBUG!!!

Food was actually not too bad today to be honest, I did have a hot cross bun for breakfast, and a couple of lollies at work during the day, but other than that, I didn't stray at all.

PLUS, I got up and went out walking this morning - even though it was raining!

And Chris was right - I didn't melt!!!

I am taking my walking gear to work tomorrow and on the way home I am stopping at a friends place to go walking with her. We are gonna do the steps - all 268 of them, that I conquered a few weeks ago.

Actually, we are gonna make it a weekly thing......... then might even try to make it a twice weekly thing!

Wednesday I will have the pleasure of Helena’s company for a walk, and then on Thursday Chris and I are taking Rhian to the pool, so I will get some lengths in there!

Wow - planning ahead........ what is all that about then????

Righto - Daylight savings has got my body clock all out of whack and it is only 8.46pm but I am buggerred already, so I'm heading off to bed for an early one.......

Gotta go walking in the morning ya know!!

Don't ya hate it when you wake up with a headache and KNOW that it is totally all your own doing?

Yep - work drinks last night. Damn St Patricks Day celebrations! Hehehehehe.......

Feeling rather jaded this morning, but of course our darling monster doesn't care that mummy is a touch delicate, and she still wants the full attention!

Luckily for me Chris's parents are here and they are fully capable of giving her LOADS of love and attention, so it leaves me with a little more space to sort my head out in!

Have I ever said this before:

"I'm NEVER drinking again!"

Hehehehe.......... nope - I'll never learn, not me!

OK, weigh in this morning ain't gonna happen!

I'm burying my head in the sand for a few more days and pleading ignorance.

I know that the numbers are still gonna be up - you know how you just KNOW these things??

My tummy is still bloated (probably due to all the Monteiths Beer I drank last night) and I just feel blah and fat (probably due to the pizza and pasta we ate at 11pm!! DINNER AT 11PM!!!!!)
so, like I said, I'm playing like an ostrich today, and if I can't see it, then it doesn't exist!

That made sense in my head before I typed it OK?

Hehehehehe.........

I did get out walking yesterday morning, although I didnt want to, Teagan made damn sure that when my alarm went off at 5.45am, there was NO WAY that she was gonna let me go back to sleep! NO WAY!! I'm glad to, cos I do enjoy my morning walks with my girl! Pity I stuff it up by eating crap during the day huh??

Righto - time to go pack a bag I guess!

We are heading away for the day and night, and will be back sometime tomorrow after some rest and relaxation!

Sounds good huh??

It WILL BE!!!

Getting to the last couple of days with my period - so it is more manageble now.

Makes me a lot less grumpy!!

I got up and went walking this morning, and then promptly undid all my good work by eating a milky bar for morning tea! Hehehe......

That is one thing that I HATE about my period - I crave chocolate BIG TIME!

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day......

We (Chris nad I) are going out tomorrow night with a group from my work. We are just going into the city for drinks, then maybe dinner - we will play it by ear and see how things pan out. We are both looking forward to it, so hopefully it will be a good night out.

Then on Saturday morning, we are heading off over the hill to Masterton for a day of relaxation and rest, and we are staying at a motel over there the night, then we will head back home on Sunday at some stage.

You see, we were supposed to be in Auckland this weekend for the U2 concert, but since that got postponed, and we still have the house/dog/baby/cat sitters booked (Chris's parents) we thought that we would still take advantage of that, and get away for a night.

Hopefully it will be relaxing!

I think it is what we both need.......

Ummmm, not a lot more to say, except that I ate too much for dinner!!!

I made the stuffed Capsicums that are on my recipe page, plus fried cabbage and coconut rice. it was blimmen beautiful, but as usualy, I ate FAR too much and am now suffering for it!

Nope - I'll never learn!

Friday tomorrow - YAY!!!!!

Helena - I copied you!!


WIND!

which chinese symbol are you?
brought to you by

I feel like crap!

I hate the first few days of my period - so heavy and crampy - NOT FAIR!

I woke up with a fright this morning, not sure why, but when I checked my clock it said 5.50am.

Weird - that is usually the time that my alarm goes off when I am going out walking, but for some reason I forgot to set it last night, so it didnt go off, but I still woke up! Strange!

Anyway, I haven't gone out walking this morning, simply because I am too crampy and bloated and heavy and I wont explain any further.......... I am sure that you all get the picture!

Oh yeah - I found the battery to the scales!

But to be honest - I wish that it was still lost!

121.3kg!!! That is a gain of 2kgs in just one week!

I am sure that my period and the bloatiness has a lot to do with it, but it is still so godamm depressing!

As if I need anything else to get me depressed - I get really hormonal when I get my period, so I am a big bag of misery anyway! Hehehehe.......... poor Chris!!

Anyway, it is 6.12am and I am sitting here with just the light from the screen glowing, and not a sound is coming from the house - it is so peaceful!

Why cant it be like this all the time??

I am well overdue an update – I know!

I am also well overdue a weigh in too!

But some bright spark (me) had the silly idea of taking the battery out of the scales so that I didn’t jump on them every day, and guess what??

Yep – I can’t find the damn battery!

It wouldn’t be a problem if it was a normal battery, but this battery is like a bigger version of a watch battery, and I have to go find another one…….

ARGH!!!!!

Anyway, I completely forgot to even try to weigh in on Saturday morning.

I was too busy rushing around (in the dark) trying not to wake anyone else up before heading off to my DragonBoat regatta.

Turns out I did wake everyone up, but I did also leave on time – so that was a bit of a first for me – I am ALWAYS late to everything!!

It was an early start, and I had to leave at about 7am to be on time to pick a team mate up at 7.30am, then be in the city at the tent site at 8am.

It was a bit tight, but we made it in the end, and it was the start of a great day!!!

It was hard work, but I enjoyed every minute of it, and I am very proud to say that our team came third in the National Corporate Social Grade, and got a bronze medal each for our effort!

YAY!!!!

I apparently wore my medal all night! Hehehehe……..

The party afterwards was fantastic too, and Chris and I had planned ahead and booked into a hotel for the night in the city, so that neither of us had to drive home….. GOOD THINKING HUH??

Anyway, a fantastic day (and night) was had by all, and I will DEFINITELY be joining the team next year as well!

It is totally disappointing to see that the Regatta in Hamilton has been called off, as it makes the season very short, but that is life, and just like the U2 concert – it is totally out of our control.

Anyway, I am bloated and hormonal and grumpy today, so maybe it is just as well that I cant find the damn battery to the scales, cos I hate to think what it would read after the midnight McDonalds visit we had on Saturday night – plus of course the copious amounts of alcohol that were consumed!!

I got my period today, and a face full of pimples to match my sunburn from the weekend – so I am just a wreck, but thankfully this only lasts for the first few days, then I will be back to “normal” again.

THANK GOD!!!!

I have been really good with my excerise still, and managed to get out nearly every morning last week. I didn’t go out this morning, as my right thigh is really sore – it is the leg that I balance on in the boat, and I didn’t bother to stretch out after any races!! That’ll teach me!!!

Anyway, I was still really stiff and sore at lunch time, so I figured that a walk around the block might loosen things up, so I put my discman on, and off I went!

It did help to loosen my leg up, but only for a little while, then I was back to walking like a 100 year old!

After work, Chris, Rhain and I went out walking again, and even though it was only around the big block, it has done my leg wonders again.

I will try to get out in the morning too……..

We went swimming with Rhian last Thursday, and I am happy to say that I managed to do 32 lengths this time........ 10 without stopping, then I had a rest and went back into the other pool with Rhain and Chris, then went back in and did another 22........ It was GREAT! We are going to try to get down there at least once a week with our girl - she loves the water just as much as her mum does!!!

OK, I’m gonna head off to bed for a VERY early night!

I’m still trying to catch up on sleep from the weekend!

I mentioned in a post a couple of days ago, that I was supposed to be heading up to Auckland next weekend (11th & 12th March)

Well, we have just heard (this minute) that the U2 concerts have been postponed!!!!!

Chris is GUTTED to say the very least, but one consolation is that they will be rescheduled, so he wont lose his money and he will still get to see them perform, albeit later....

Anyway, to those fantastic readers that wanted to catch up, we will figure out the details once the new concert date is announced.

Deal??

On a brighter note - I have been out walking/running nearly every morning this week!

Didn't go out yesterday morning as my back was really sore, but was out again this morning - YAY!

It feels damn fantastic to be out doing my body some GOOD for a change!  Hehehehe...

Really looking forward to weigh in on Saturday morning as well - and I havent even so much as peeked at the scales all week - so hopefully it will be a GOOD surprise!!

Righto - back to work for me now.......

Taking Rhian swimming after work, so I will be able to do some lengths.

Hopefully more than 6 this time!!

Hehehehe

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I found out that a "cyber friend" had a brain tumour and wasn't well at all.

I got an email on Tuesday night from her husband to say that she has passed away on Monday the 6th at home - peacefully.

My heart goes out to her wonderful family, and her warmth and love for me will never be forgotten.

She will always hold a special place in my heart for her uncompromising love for her family and friends, and the endless amount of encouragement she gave.

Rest In Peace my dear friend, the fight is over, you are now free.

I had a great weekend - didn't get any exercise in, but did manage to eat reasonably well - YAY!!!

Work today was quite busy, but I was ready to tackle the day head on, as I went out walking at 6am, and felt damn fantastic!

I ran an extra hundred metres or so today, so I reckon it wont be long and I will be running the whole damn block! Hehehe........ whatever!!!

DragonBoat traning tonight was a little scary - it is really rough in the harbour, and I was sure that we were gonna capsize a couple of times, but we didn't - although we got just as wet as what we would have done if we HAD gone in the ocean!!

My muscles are all sore now - proves it must have been a good training huh?

We have the big Wellington regatta on this weekend, so the team is really looking forward to that, and also the party afterwards, so it shoudl be great!

Now, before I forget........... I am going to be in Auckland on the weekend of 18th and 19th, as Chris is going to the U2 concert, and I am coming up for a ride (crazy I know!!!).

Anyway, I was hoping that some of you Auckland ladies would like to maybe get together on the Saturday ngiht and go out for dinner??

Whaddaya reckon??

Righto, if you are interested, let me know, and we will try to arrnage something that will suit everyone..

OK, I'm outta here adn off to bed for an early night!

The early morning run/walk combined with training tonight, has made me one very tired camper!

Yep - it was just a small loss this week, but I am going to take it anyway!

300grams.

Brings me back to 119.5kg.

Next week WILL be better!

I am sure of that!

No more self absorbed pity parties for me.

i just have to get off my ass and DO THIS THING!!

I went out walking yesterday morning, and managed to run for a whole kilometre without stopping, so that for me was a major acheivement.

Then I walked for about 100metres, then ran another 500metres, so by the time i got home, I was soaked and stoked!

Small things - baby steps - I'll get there.

The course that I went on yesterday was pretty boring, I reckon that they could have condensed the 8 hours into about 2 and we still would have got the same benefit from it.

Still, it was a day out of the office, so that was all good.

Went out for drinks last night for a guy that finished up at work this week. It was good and funny - listening to all the stories that were flying around.

I got home at about 10.30pm sober as a judge so that was good to be able to wake up this morning and not have a hangover!

Today we are supposed to be going to a 1 year olds birthday party, but it is at 2pm in the city and since madam has only just gone to bed now, and will sleep for at least an hour and a half, and it takes 40 minutes to get into the city, I think it is pretty safe to say that we wont be going!

Might be nice to just hang out at home and relax!

Might go swimming this afternoon if we get a chance - dunno yet!

Oh yeah - we took Rhian to the pool the other night after work (can't remember if I have said this already) but I could only manage 6 lengths (without stopping) before I nearly died!!

I swam two lengths, then some kids were annoying me, so i went back intot he wave pool with Chris and Rhian, then decided to see if the kids were still in the length pool, so when I saw that they weren't I decided to do a few lengths.

Well, a FEW lengths was right!! My God!!!

6 lengths!!!

What is up with that then??

I used to do like 20 in a row without stoppping!

And I used to do 100 lengths in about an hour!

6 lengths - PHOOEY!!!!

Next time - I'm gonna do 10!!!

Baby steps I tell ya!!

Righto - lunch time.

Chris is making pumpkin soup - YUMMO!!!

Thanks to everyone that has offered suggestions….

I’m trying to take it all on board.

The thing is, I KNOW what to eat. I KNOW what to do.

I KNOW it all……… I just don’t know how to keep hold of the amazing feeling that I have when I am succeeding.

You see, the instant gratification that I get from “bad” food, far overpowers the long term “dreams” that I may have in my head at that moment.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I am OK.

I’m not depressed or manic or anything else.

Just a bit down about where I am and where I think I should have been.

Can’t go back to Weight Watchers.

It is $18 per week that we just don’t have.

Literally.

Plus, the leader at the only meeting I can go to, sucks! To put it quite blunty.

She is a yukky lady that I have never clicked with, and as long as she is the leader at the meeting, then I wont go back – no matter if I had the $18 per week or not.

OK, so this morning I got up and went out walking, it felt great. I even ran a bit more than what I did yesterday – feels fantastic to be able to.

Food was OK, until we had a lunch shout of pizza, but I’m over that now, and I guess 3 slices of pizza in the big scheme of things ain’t really that much of an issue.

We had a glorious salad for dinner, with a pork chop and some baked pumpkin……. Tasty!

Tomorrow will be a bit of a test.

I have a day long training course in the city with lunch and snacks provided, so it will be interesting to see what is on offer.

Then tomorrow night we are having drinks, as one of the guys that I work with is leaving.

It will be a challenge, but one that I can hopefully face up to, and tackle without a problem.

I’ll let you know…….

Weigh day on Saturday, so I’ll be back then.

Oh yeah – I DID take the battery out of the scales!

Back to ONCE a week weighing for me now!

Deep and meaningful??

Not sure, but it is a bit deep……. Here goes……..

I’m sick and tired of being fat and tired.

Sure – we all know that already huh?

What I want to know is how the hell am I supposed to NOT obsess about my weight?

How the hell am I supposed to keep motivated for more than a day at a time?

How the hell am I ever going to get to my goal weight with this mindset?

I just wish that I had the answers!!!!!!!!

I was motivated last week.

I had a great week, but then Friday night I ate fish and chips.

Then on the weekend I ate more crap.

Then Monday rolls around and I am supposed to get out of bed early and go walking

I didn’t

Tuesday, I didn’t either!

I can use all the excuses under the sun – but they are just that – EXCUSES!

I NEED to get out of bed and go walking in the morning! My body NEEDS exercise!

I am so damn sick of going up and down every few days – I HATE IT!

It rules my life!

If the numbers are low in the morning, then I am happy for the day.

If the numbers are higher, then I am a grumpy cow!

I hate the fact that my moods are a direct result of those stupid numbers!

I sometimes wish that I didn’t have scales at all!!!

I really really really want to be thin.

I really really really want to be fit and healthy and feel good.

I really really really want to be able to look like everyone else.

So why do I sabotage myself all the time?

Do I sub consciously think that I am not worthy of being all those things?

Am I scared of being all those things?

Do I think that being all those things will change me too much??

I don’t know.

I don’t think so, but how do I REALLY find out?

I am totally in control of my own destiny here, yet I manage to stuff it up time and time and time again!

I have such an erratic personality – I know this!

I guess I need to work on things that will even me out more – instead of having such highs and such lows…… I need to be somewhere in the middle!

Reminds me of when I had Post Natal Depression…….. I felt like I wasn’t in control of my emotions or my temper or even my life at some points!

I don’t want to have to rely on medication to make me feel “normal” again. That sucked.

I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel good about my life and about how I am going.

Is that really too much to ask??

Deep and meaningful??

Not sure……… but it is emotionally draining to have to think about it that’s for sure!


On the upside, I DID get out and go walking this morning, and I even made myself run for a bit. It felt great – I felt great!

It made me believe that I was “allowed” to feel good about myself for the day (or half the day in this case).

I’m constantly aware of how much time I spend (or don’t spend) with my family lately.

With work, Tupperware, Avon, DragonBoating, exercising and general day to day things, I really don’t have a lot of time left for much of anything.

Last week I was home ONE evening out of the week.

Chris must feel a like a solo father at times….

I know that he supports me and wants to see me happy, but it is the little things that I pick up on…

Anyway, I am not completely sure what the heck I am trying to say here, except that deep down I guess I KNOW that I AM capable of doing this, and I also know that I am actually worthy of feeling good, so I have to hold on to that feeling and grab life by the balls so to speak!

I see myself turning into one of those people that is full of empty promises.

You know the ones…….

“This time it will be better”

“This time I will succeed”

“This time I will stick to the plan”

Well, I am sick of being one of those hollow talkers…….. I WANT to do it.

I NEED to do it.

I just have to figure out HOW to do it!

Wanna help me?